32 Comments
User's avatar
Russell Adams's avatar

I, myself, helped Buzz Aldrin down that last step...

Aaron's avatar

So, in 1848 the Boston Tea Party was 75 years in the past and he could have just claimed to be a teenager at the time turning 90…nope, went straight for “I’m 112!”

Colby Richudson's avatar

"If you’d be interested in the story of a hot dummy who gets hanged for being hot and dumb, let me know."

I assume this is rhetorical.

Chase Eyster's avatar

Another DTTA delightful read, but I am ruined. I vow to never read anything ever again that doesn’t offer me a hypothetical scenario where I have a valet. There is no going back now.

Allison Epstein's avatar

these are the standards I hope all members of Dirtbag Nation set for themselves

chris oconnor's avatar

I went through a John Andre crush as a teen during the 1976 America’s 200th bday. I wrote a play about an American teenage girl falling for a British soldier. Of course her name was Julie. I shared it, oddly, with my tenth grade American history teacher. I was an A student but I’m embarrassed now to imagine how silly he must’ve thought I was.

Allison Epstein's avatar

My first earnestly written piece of historical fiction was the 80-page story of the Marquis de Lafayette and the colonial rebel who had a crush on him. I proudly turned this in to my fifth grade teacher, who had asked us to write two pages imagining what it would be like to be at the Battle of Yorktown. All this to say, you're in safe company here.

Sanford S's avatar

There is a surprising amount of YA romance fanfic out there about a teenage crush on the French Revolution's enfant terrible St. Just too. Apparently a lot of it from Japan.

Allison Epstein's avatar

I can't blame them!! Saint-Just's entire deal is being young, hot, dramatic, and secretly in love with Robespierre. It writes itself.

Martha Paulina's avatar

This is the very first article I read from you and I think its very fair to say that, I WAS NOT DISSAPOINTED, I had no expectations but somehow all of them were met. Keep it up :)

Mary Curry's avatar

She’s always this good. (No pressure, though, A!)

David Perlmutter's avatar

To be fair, there was no Internet in 1848, so people couldn't exactly trace his background easily.

Still, this is P.T. Barnum-level con artistry.

I have to assume he really was not 112, although he certainly LOOKED old enough.

Amelia Schmidt's avatar

Reader Amelia here, still shocked none of my Chicago relatives knew about this man, still waiting for his biopic, but so delighted this man got the Dirtbags treatment he deserved. Thank you!

Allison Epstein's avatar

when they inevitably make the biopic I want to be Crowd Member #4 standing in the Chicago Museum in a large hat whose only line is "my gracious, that poor man!"

Edith Prickly's avatar

Hell yes to a post about a hot dumb guy who got hanged for hot dumbness.

Lou Tilsley's avatar

Firstly, “Forrest Gump of the American Revolution” is perfect. Secondly, kudos to today’s footnotes. I was thinking before I read them that 18 children rather removed the ‘mysterious’ from ‘mysterious circumstances’! I also feel like ‘hot and dumb’ has been reason enough for a featured dirtbag in the past on at least one occasion so go for it if you wish.

The Rabbi’s Black Coat's avatar

Born and raised Lincoln Parker here and I can finally rest easy (at my 148th year on this earth) knowing what this monument is all about

Sanford S's avatar

+1 for John Andre. If only to get the image of JJ Feild, who played him on TV, out of my head because I always mix him up with that Loki/Night Manager guy.

Allison Epstein's avatar

omg yes I was watching that show the whole time like “why is that Kirkland brand Tom Hiddleston making such bad choices and why do I love him”

Sallyfemina's avatar

I mean at least he was Kirkland brand and not Walmart brand.

The Particularist's avatar

YES shout-out to Sexy Spy John André. Love that tragicalicious guy.

Patrick Glancy's avatar

18 kids with wife #2! Wow. Also, I think I met that Winston Churchill lady on the El too. At the very least, I've definitely encountered some of her ilk. And yes, I mostly just wanted an excuse to use "ilk."

RG she/her's avatar

Literally crying, this is superb. Just pure and utter genius: both this guy and your brilliant writing. Had to explain it to my 8 year old and he laughed too.

Allison Epstein's avatar

:D I'm so glad my sense of humor has found its intended target (eight-year-olds).

Eduardo de Leon's avatar

Thank you Allison! - Now I know what I’ll be doing after retirement. All I need to do up to then is, sprinkle an outrageous amount of bread crumbs all over(a)social media. Then, by the time l’m ready to start, AI will have gobbled up all my lies and will authoritatively confirm them to all those cynics out there.

Allison Epstein's avatar

I’m here to help, just let me know whether you want to be a member of the Continental Congress or the childhood best friend of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand and I’ll start informing the algorithm

Eduardo de Leon's avatar

Wow, such professional assistance would be fabulous! I don’t know who I think I am, yet. But, something either to do with the Habsburg or the Bourbon would be adequate. I’ll keep you posted.