midnight train to borgia
Or, a deeper dive into Cesare Borgia and an excuse to use all my favorite pope gifs.
Hello friends!
Look at this! Another post right on schedule! May this be a sign of things to come.
I was scrolling through past issues trying to recall if I’d written about this person before, because:
I’ve been at this dirtbag game for a few years now.
Shitty popes are famously my favorite.
The only thing I love more than a shitty pope is the shitty son of a shitty pope.
And a story about a shitty son of a shitty pope who was elected during a suspicious conclave??? and poison??? have you met me???
But all these factors notwithstanding, somehow this legend has only been alluded to in other people’s stories and had so far avoided getting the full Dirtbag Treatment. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the 1,000% Allison’s Personal Brand Story that is:
Cesare Borgia, the Shithead Nepo Baby Who Took Over Italy (Briefly)
I first encountered the story of Cesare Borgia during the weird wrinkle in the space-time continuum when there were not one but two big-budget period dramas being aired simultaneously telling the exact same story of the Borgia family. One was called The Borgias and it starred the voice of Scar from The Lion King and it won Emmys. The other was called Borgia and it starred the voice of the Michelin tire commercials and it was also nominated for awards. I watched every episode of both. 2011 was a weird time.
I also want to highly recommend my friend Alyssa Palombo’s novel The Borgia Confessions, which is excellent and which I have pitched to many people as “what if the Hot Priest from Fleabag was also trying to stage a brutal takeover of Italy.”
OK. Back to the history.
Pope Kids, Pope Problems
The life of Cesare Borgia started out in 1475 with a scandal: he was born. A normal thing to happen to babies! But not if your father is Cardinal Rodrigo Borgia, a man in a profession where Rule Number One is “please do not have babies.”
However, Rodrigo Borgia is famous throughout history for three things: having a bunch of kids when he wasn’t supposed to, turning all of those kids into nepo babies, and not giving a singular fuck who knew it. Rodrigo would eventually have at least four children with his longtime mistress Vannozza dei Cattenei: Cesare, his younger brothers Giovanni (often called Juan) and Gioffre, and his younger sister Lucrezia. Most of these siblings are going to have a big role to play in this story, except for Gioffre, who as far as I can tell was Also There.
At the time, Italy was much like Germany, in that it was not a country but rather a collection of city-states who were constantly at war with each other. Fortunately, unlike Germany, Italy then was still roughly the same shape and size as Italy now, and all the city-state names are familiar, so it doesn’t make me want to throw myself out the window the way I do every time I see the words Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld.
Of these city-states, Rome was one of the most powerful, because it was home to two important things: the Catholic Church, and a big-ass army. Whoever became Pope was automatically in control of both of those things. And Rodrigo Borgia, owner of the biggest “go big or go home” energy the 15th century had ever seen, was ready to stake a claim.
Rodrigo put his second son, Juan, on the “Run the Papal Army” track, because he liked Juan best and the army was where hot young people could go to have fun and do murder. Cesare got the “Run the Church” track. By age 15, Cesare was already the Bishop of the Archdiocese of Pamplona. Rodrigo even got the then-Pope to legitimize Cesare and smooth his path to ecclesiastical power.
Sidebar: were popes even trying back then? Literally what argument were they making that Cesare was legitimate. It really feels like 15th-century popes could wave their hands around and say “the moon is made of cheese” and the entire not-country of Italy would be like “thanks be to God.”
I’m a Conclave 4 U
This brings us to the year 1492, in which Pope Innocent VIII died of mysterious 15th century reasons. (Poison??? Being 60 years old??? Impossible to say.) And you all know what that means:
IT’S TIME FOR A CONCLAVE!!!
All the cardinals locked themselves in the Vatican to figure out who was going to be America’s Next Top Pope. The two biggest contenders were:
Giuliano della Rovere, the nephew of the previous pope, who would have been Cardinal Tedesco if this were the 2024 film Conclave
Rodrigo Borgia, the outsider Spanish cardinal who was ready to lie, cheat, simonize, and possibly poison his way into the papacy, who would have been Cardinal Tremblay if this were the 2024 film Conclave
Rodrigo went fuckin nuts with the bribery, reportedly giving one cardinal four mule-loads of silver to Vote Borgia for Pope. I don’t know how much silver your average mule can carry, but I do know it’s more silver than I personally own. He was also promising people benefices left and right, which with my knowledge of church history seems to mean the recipients would get to collect shit-tons of taxes from villages across the Papal States in exchange for visiting a local church once a year at maximum.
This worked out perfectly, mostly because Ralph Fiennes was not present at the Conclave of 1492 to conduct an Agatha Christie locked-room-mystery investigation and yell “SIMONY!!” at everybody over breakfast. Rodrigo Borgia was elected, and he assumed the name Pope Alexander VI.
Y’all just got CONCLAVED.
Lipstick??? in My Valentinois White Bag???
(This is a joke for whoever’s at the intersection of the Vine Kid/Renaissance History Venn diagram with me.)
At this point, our boy Cesare is 17 years old, a cardinal, and the legitimate son of the Pope, which is a weird combination of things probably no human should ever be. And before we go on with the story, it’s important to clarify just what kind of person we’re dealing with.
Not that the majority of Renaissance cardinals were particularly well-suited to the priesthood, but Cesare was extra-badly-suited to it. He was a manipulative, violent, self-centered little shit whose greatest ambition in life was to get up on a horse, brandish a sword, and stab as many people as possible. And now he was trapped inside the Vatican in a velvet bathrobe speaking Latin and pretending to pray while his shithead little brother Juan got to live out Cesare’s dream of stabbing everybody.
Cesare was also—like father, like son—fucking his way through the Papal States by this point. One of his many mistresses was Sancha of Aragon, which I mention for two reasons: Juan Borgia was also fucking Sancha of Aragon, and Sancha of Aragon was Gioffre Borgia’s wife.
Poor Gioffre. What a noodle. If someone told me Lucrezia Borgia was also sleeping with Sancha of Aragon I would believe you.
So we’ve laid out the facts. Cesare sucks, he enjoys killing people, he’s mad at his brother, they’re both competitively sleeping with their kid brother’s wife. I will give you one singular guess what’s about to happen.
Yep, Cesare murdered his brother Juan and took over his position as the Captain-General of the Papal Army. Obviously. I mean, Cesare was never actually proven to have assassinated Juan Borgia, but Juan sure as shit got stabbed nine times and thrown in the Tiber in 1497, and mere months later, there Cesare was at the head of the army, so you draw your own conclusions.
In 1498, Cesare gave up his cardinal position and assumed the title of Duke of Valentinois, which was given to him by King Louis XII of France. Why was he getting titles from France when he was extremely not-French? Why was he becoming Duke of Valentinois, a place that was not a dukedom and also did not exist? What the actual fuck is going on here? I don’t know, but anyway, our boy’s a duke now.
Romagna Own Business
At this point, Rodrigo more or less shrugged his shoulders and said “Yeah, OK, I guess my dirtbag son is doing this now, let’s make the most of it.” He deposed a bunch of leaders throughout the Romagna in northern Italy and gave their lands and armies to Cesare. Both father and son were happy with the arrangement: Cesare got to stab to his heart’s content, and Rodrigo got to sic his homicidal son on everyone in Italy who wasn’t paying the Pope enough money or respect.
Between 1498 and 1503, Cesare conquered a truly comical amount of Italy, backed in large part by His Dad the Pope. He did run into resistance, including one of my favorite badass bitches from history: Catarina Sforza, who ruled the city of Forlí and really fucked up Cesare’s plans for several weeks. One famous story about Catarina is that when her city was sieged and the enemy threatened to slaughter her children, she pulled up her skirts, pointed at her vagina, and said “let them try—I can make more!” True or not, it’s still legendary behavior.
But Cesare just kept on winning. His basic strategy, as described by Niccolo Machiavelli, took three parts:
Crush everybody who resists you.
Impose the harshest, most painful rule you can.
Ease up a little so everyone loves you for your benevolence but still shits themselves instinctively when they see you.
This maneuver would go on to be described in the book The Prince, which shitty people would bring up in conversation for 500 years to come.
There’s lots more to say about this part of the story, but not by me. I am not going to get into the military history of the early 16th century wars in the Romagna and the Papal States. We’re not here for maps and arrows and battle maneuvers, we’re here for drama and scandal and dirtbaggery.
The Aforementioned Drama and Scandal and Dirtbaggery
A lot of the accusations I’m about to sling at Cesare Borgia, Daddy’s Boy Murder Nepo Baby, are unsubstantiated and not entirely believed by modern-day historians. However, they’re also a damn good story, and it’s what most people think of when they hear “Borgia,” so let’s get into it. Just put your preferred amount of “allegedly” on all of these bullets.
Contemporary historians recount a famous party in which Cesare, his sister Lucrezia, and Rodrigo (reminder: STILL THE POPE) threw a dance party in the Vatican to which they invited 50 naked prostitutes.
Cesare had 11 illegitimate children (beating his dad’s alleged total of nine) and got syphilis so bad he had to wear a mask in public, like the Phantom of the Opera if the Phantom of the Opera was somehow even hornier and more into murder.
Many many rumors exist about the possible incestuous relationship between Cesare Borgia and his sister Lucrezia, as well as between Lucrezia and their father. My understanding is that this almost certainly wasn’t true, but Renaissance people loved to accuse women of incest when they disliked them (*stares pointedly in Anne Boleyn*). Even so, you’d be hard pressed to find a Borgia adaptation that doesn’t have Cesare making awkward advances on his sister, so just…note that down.
It really doesn’t help the incest rumors that Cesare probably murdered Lucrezia’s second husband, Alfonso of Aragon. But really, Cesare murdered so many people that it probably would have been more suspicious if he hadn’t killed her husband.
Poison poison poison poison! The name “Borgia” is practically synonymous with poisoning your enemies with chalices of arsenic-laced wine offered invitingly during a papal banquet. Could I find a single documented instance of the Borgias actually poisoning people? No. Do I nonetheless believe they were poisoning people like crazy? Absolutely.
Poison Part II: There’s a scene in The Borgias where Cesare trains his pet monkey to slip poison in a guy’s wine and it’s the greatest thing ever to happen on television. If it’s not true, no one tell me.
Episode VI: Return of the Cardinal
Despite all the drinking and the whoring and the killing and the poisoning, Cesare’s Good Time Murder Spree couldn’t go on forever. In 1503, Cesare and Rodrigo had dinner together in Rome, after which they both came down with a severe case of malaria because sanitation was Bad and Rome was Sweaty and Gross.
Cesare eventually recovered, but the Pope died shortly thereafter. Apparently his body decomposed so quickly it may even have exploded, causing everybody to freak out and assume this was the devil dragging the Pope to hell. If it was, hats off to the devil for the drama of it all.
After his father’s death, Cesare tried to control the next conclave. The conclave of September 1503 was a real good news/bad news situation for Cesare Borgia. Good news: he got a pope appointed who was very willing to be bribed and let Cesare do whatever he wanted in the Romagna! Bad news: that pope died 26 days later, only to be replaced by…
GULIANO DELLA ROVERE, THE SAME GUY RODRIGO BORGIA HAD SIMONIED OUT OF THE PAPACY IN 1492!!!
I cackled out loud when I found out it was the same della Rovere, now aged 70 entire years old, come back to fuck with his enemy’s kid. Did della Rovere train a monkey to poison the 26-Day Pope and carry out his scheme of ruining Cesare’s life and seizing back the title of “most egregious nepo baby in Rome?” I don’t know, you look around at what’s been happening in this story and you tell me.
Della Rovere became Pope Julius II and made “fuck Cesare Borgia in particular” one of the primary goals of his papacy. He reversed every policy that let Cesare have land or go on campaigns, sending him on increasingly wild goose chases across Spain and Italy to murder people in a way that wouldn’t fuck with the Papal States.
In 1507, this traveling murder show took Cesare to Navarre, where he was abandoned by his entire army, defeated, and killed at age 31. But not just killed. Specifically, stabbed 25 times, stripped of his clothes and valuables, and left naked in a field with a single rock over his genitals for the King of Navarre to find the next day. His bones were dug up and reburied five or six different times for reasons I cannot begin to parse, and which I bring up now only because I do love when a Wikipedia article has a section titled “Mortal Remains” that goes on for 500 words.
And thus concludes the story of Cesare Borgia, dickhead nepo baby and a wonderful excuse for me to use my favorite gif of Cardinal Tedesco vaping.
Until next time, be well, and let me know who you would cast in the sequel to Conclave called Conclave 1492, because I’ve thought about this a lot lately and the right answer seems like Brian Cox as Rodrigo Borgia, Adam Driver as Cesare Borgia, and Walton Goggins as Giuliano della Rovere but I’m open to other ideas,
-Allison
I'm just going to air a random petty grievance about the way everyone mispronounces Cardinal Tremblay's last name in Conclave. It's a French-Canadian name so it's pronounced Trom-blay, not Trem-blay. Isabella Rossellini gets it right, no one else does. I exhale my vape at them!
Great casting ideas. How about just bring back the full cast of Succession? Roman as a Roman? Kendall as elder Borgia Bro? Cousin Greg as Brother Gioffre?