Hello, dear friends!
If you know me personally, the subject of this edition of Dirtbags Through the Ages won't surprise you. If not, let me set the stage: I've made it my mission in life to make sure everybody knows how much I hate this man. I want no bones made about this. I derailed an entire graduate seminar on Victorian literature to make sure everyone knew how much I hate him. On my tombstone, let the stonemason carve "Here lies Allison, who thought Lord Alfred Douglas was an absolute piece of trash, RIP."
So buckle up, because today you're getting:
14 reasons why Lord Alfred Douglas was an irredeemable bag of dicks
that should've been the title of my victorian lit final paper
If you haven't heard of Lord Alfred Douglas, or "Bosie" as he's irritatingly known, he's best remembered as the deeply problematic love of Oscar Wilde's life. He's also widely considered to be an asshole.
NOT WIDELY ENOUGH, IF YOU ASK ME.
Now, before y'all get on me for bias, I want you to know that I've tried. I read the 1,024-page Oscar Wilde biography by Richard Ellman. I even read Douglas Murray's Bosie-centric biography that tries to humanize and psychoanalyze him. I read Bosie's poetry. I've put in the time. I don't want to be accused of calling this man a turdwhistle without justification.
This man is still an irredeemable bag of dicks.
Let's move on to the receipts.
1. Did You Know? Oscar Wilde wasn't actually brought to trial for homosexuality. Wilde called the trial himself, suing Bosie's father for accusing him of being gay. And do you know who encouraged Wilde to bring this libel suit to court? You got it: Alfred "Bag of Dicks" Douglas, who wanted to stick it to his dad. If he had just stayed at home, worn his fancy suits, and minded his business, maybe none of this would have happened. BUT NO.
2. During that trial, some of the evidence used against Wilde came from the fact that Bosie used to just give his old clothes away to male sex workers, without, I don't know, checking the pockets to see if he'd left any incriminating letters from Oscar Wilde in there.
3. He was an absolute asshat to Wilde, like, objectively. Now, Wilde was also not what we'd call a "good person," to be clear, but come on. One anecdote reveals the time Wilde and Bosie were staying together in Brighton, when Wilde fell sick. Not only did Bosie wander off, he went to a whole other hotel, ran up an incredible bill, and had it sent to Wilde. If this were an AITA post, the YTA responses would be fast and furious.
free bonus reason I hate him: this dumb hat
4. There are so many stories about Bosie stealing Wilde's money that I literally do not have room to share them all. Wilde goes into it in his posthumously published work De Profundis, which honestly could also have been titled "14 Reasons Lord Alfred Douglas Is a Bag of Dicks."
5. Bosie didn't even show up at Oscar Wilde's trial. He ran off to Europe. Like an asshole. Ugh.
OK, even apart from the Oscar Wilde business, there are still about 95 reasons I hate this man. Let's get into some of those.
6. He was a raging antisemite who founded his own white nationalist magazine and called for a British branch of the KKK. Let's leave it at that.
7. His poetry is terrible. This is from his first published poem, titled "Autumn Days," because of course it is.
there's more, but I'll spare you.
8. He loved to sue people. Basically, if you looked at him sideways in the club? Lawsuit. You wrote a bad review of his poem? Lawsuit. You were another dude existing in the world at the same time? Lawsuit.
9. He tried to sue WINSTON CHURCHILL for TREASON.
i'm sorry, dumbshit, you tried to what
11. He somehow even managed to make a lawsuit against Winston Churchill about the Jews. Honestly it almost makes you want to give him credit for persistence. (You can read the whole Churchill story here, by the way. It's as dumb as it sounds.)
12. When Douglas inevitably got arrested for slandering literally Winston The Churchill, he had the fucking gall to complain that his six months in prison had irreparable consequences for his health. Hmm, you know whomst else of your acquaintance also had some bad times in prison?
13. He institutionalized his son Raymond for having schizoaffective disorder in 1927. Which, like, say what you will about the history of mental health treatment in the Western world, but it's still not a Good Thing.
14. He shares a gravestone with his mother, which for some reason just irks the shit out of me. Let that poor woman rest in peace.
this fucking hat i swear to god
I hope my feelings are clear by now. Lord Alfred Douglas did exactly one (1) cool and interesting thing in his life, and it was to hire an Italian witch to perform an exorcism on a house full of rats, but that is a story for another time.
In short: fuck this man.
Anyway, I take so much joy in making this newsletter, and it brings me even more joy to hear that you're enjoying it too!
As always, you can direct your friends to subscribe here, and A Tip for the Hangman is still available for purchase at any of the locations in this linktree. I'm on a brief hiatus from Book Life to a) move, b) start a new job, and c) finish my revisions, but I'm still around. Holler at me on Twitter if you have thoughts or dirtbags to share.
Until next time,