that's so socrates
Or, was Socrates history's most annoying philosopher? That is the inference.
Hi friends!
I’m running behind this week! On the newsletter as well as everything else in my life! I love both my day job and my author job, but it turns out that working two full-time jobs is only doable if they both aren’t super busy at the same time!
Anyway. If you’re joining us for the first time this week, welcome! I usually do more research than this.
I’m tentatively promising a deeper dive into something pope-related for the next edition. In the meantime, though, let’s shit talk one of my favorite ancient history dirtbags, and by “favorite” I mean “definitely would get up and move if this guy sat next to me on the bus”:
Socrates, the Original Well-Actually Man
Background: I inherited a box of books from my late grandfather a couple years ago, and I’ve been working my way through it during the pandemic. One of those books was a copy of the collected dialogues of Plato. I knew nothing about Plato except what the show The Good Place taught me, so I went in like “Hmm, I might learn something.”
And I did, because what I learned was fuck Socrates.
I’m not going to get into the nuances of Socratic philosophy in this newsletter, because a) I do not care, and b) I didn’t call this My Opinions on Sophisticated Philosophical Systems Through the Ages for a reason. What you’re getting instead is the lightest of lightly sketched biographies and a bunch of loud opinions.
More of a Comment than a Question
Socrates was born in 470 or 469 BC to a well-off family who made sure he got a well-rounded education. This, in my opinion, was their first mistake. Socrates was too annoying to have any contact with academia at all. If he had just stayed at home as a chatty stonemason and minded his own business, everyone would have been fine.
But Socrates started learning stuff and getting ideas, and instead of becoming a productive member of Athenian society, he decided to take up his true profession:
Wandering around asking annoying questions.
He never wrote a single thing. Not a word. The most famous philosopher of ever and he didn’t even write a pamphlet. He literally just asked questions. And they were shitty questions.
You’ve probably heard of the “Socratic method” of teaching. You, like me, probably assumed this was a good method, where the teacher encourages the student to come up with good answers to hard questions. Maybe you, like me, thought this meant Socrates was a great teacher, which is why he’s so famous.
Imagine my surprise when I learned that the Socratic method is actually some asshole monologuing!
All through Plato’s dialogues, which is the closest thing we have to something actually written by Socrates, Socrates just goes on and on and on for pages, eventually tacking a question mark on at the end so some asshole named Simonides or whatever can say “Yes, Socrates,” “No, Socrates,” “It could not possibly be otherwise than what you have described, Socrates.”
You think I’m exaggerating. I’m not.
I studied the liberal arts, I have met this guy before. Socrates is the guy who says he wants to debate you in class, but would follow you out of the building, across the quad, and into the dining hall to continue about justice and human nature when you’re just trying to eat your chicken nuggets before your French exam.
He also has this false modesty thing going on that absolutely drives me up the wall. You know, the “Ah, Simonides, I am but a poor philosopher, you must explain to me your reasoning on such matters!” Followed immediately by “Ope, Simonides, here is a 40-page annotated bibliography about all the reasons you are wrong.” I’m including this quote from his Britannica entry verbatim because it made me laugh out loud:
It would be a mistake to think that Socrates ever suspended judgment on any fucking thing ever at any point in his life.
Just all loud public opinions, all the time. Always. It’s exhausting.
An Iffy Example at Best
Socrates’ whole deal was yelling at people in the street about how they could live a better life. So you’d assume Socrates himself led a pretty incredible life, right? One we’d like to emulate?
Lol.
First, Socrates absolutely killed a bunch of dudes in the Peloponnesian War, so like, already not off to a great start.
Second, Socrates owned one toga and never brushed his teeth or combed his hair in the name of knowledge and etc. Another reason I would get up and move if he sat next to me on a bus. I don’t believe in discrimination based on personal hygiene, but I do believe in not deliberately smelling bad to make a political statement. If he lived today, Socrates would be one of those weird California celebrities who enthusiastically tell everyone they don’t wash their legs in the shower.
Third, I can’t even claim Socrates as a historical bisexual icon, because while he was probably queer, he was also a misogynist and a borderline pedophile. I have a rant in my back pocket about how Ancient Greece’s famous “queer culture” is just the inevitable result of a bunch of women-hating dudes who got off on proving their own logic models, but! Anyway! Where is my big-budget HBO series about queer women in Ancient Greece and/or Rome? Give me the content we deserve.
Fourth, Socrates definitely got killed by the state in the dumbest way possible, about which more below.
An On-Brand Way to Die
Remember when I said Socrates was the most annoying philosopher in Athens? Yeah, Athens thought so too. So they arrested him under charges they described as “impiety and corruption of youth,” but which I read to mean “being a fucking annoying asshole who never shuts up.”
His trial lasted one (1) day before they found him guilty, because of course they did. Apparently Socrates wasn’t so great at arguing with someone who had rebuttals other than “Certainly” or “That is the inference.”
According to the custom of Athens, Socrates was allowed to propose his own sentence, which is a scene I absolutely wish I could have witnessed, because it went like this:
Judge: So what do you think your punishment should be?
Socrates: Um…free food and shelter for the rest of my life? And maybe a promotion? Because of how cool I am?
Judge: You really are serious, aren’t you
Socrates: So that’s a no?
Judge: Bitch of course that’s a no
They picked the death penalty instead. So Socrates went off to prison to await the return of the Murder Ship, because in Athens at the time no one could be murdered by the state unless the Murder Ship was in the harbor.
(Or something. I skimmed this bit in Plato.)
Then Socrates’ friends showed up in prison! And they were like “Hey Socrates! They’re totally gonna kill you! Would you like to escape with me? I can totally break you out of this poorly guarded ancient prison!”
And Socrates’ response. Was. That it was illogical to fear death, so it would be illogical to run away.
This man literally said “nah, I painted myself into a corner and the only way out is death because I physically can’t admit I’m wrong.”
Sir. You had a wife and three children. Could you make an effort.
So when Socrates famously drank a cup of hemlock to commit state-sponsored suicide, basically everyone in the room was yelling “You literally do not have to do this, the door is open, please just come with us.”
I am exhausted thinking about what it must have taken to know this man. Honestly thank God he didn’t leave any of his own writings, otherwise I’d have to hear him in his own words, and I think that might break me.
Book Corner
As I triumphantly announced in the last issue of this newsletter, my second book is no longer a secret! It’s titled Let the Dead Bury the Dead, and you can add it on Goodreads here if you like. My revised draft is due back to my editor at the end of the month, which is one reason why I’m behind on my life, but it’s really coming along, and I hope you’ll like it.
In other book news, A Tip for the Hangman is getting a paperback release from Vintage Anchor, and we did a cover reveal on social media last week! This paperback cover is everything to me. The creepy devil. The font. The Elizabethan version of the thumbs-down emoji. I cannot wait until my author copies arrive.
If you want one of these, for yourself or a friend, you can preorder now! The paperback release is on January 4, just in time to gift to all those people who made New Year’s Resolutions to read more in 2022.
Until next time, please don’t be a Socrates,
-Allison
Oh my God. I am the Socrates you describe. 😬