hey it's franklin

Or, America's original stone-cold wackadoo

Hi friends,

If you’re an American reader of Dirtbags Through the Ages, you have absolutely heard of the subject of today’s newsletter. However, what worries me is that you probably know him for boring things like “being a Founding Father” or “OSHA-noncompliant science experiments,” instead of what you should know him for, which is being a straight-up stone-cold wackadoo.

Literally the only way I can conceive of telling the story of Benjamin Franklin is as a list of vaguely sequential incidents, because if I tried to tell you this story as a coherent narrative I would need at least 700 pages, and nowhere in my agreement with my publisher does it say “Moonlight as a Ben Franklin biographer.”

So let’s jump right in, because this man is, as they say, A Lot.

this joke is for my fellow millennials, who now have the song stuck in their heads, you’re welcome

Good Advice

In 1722, 16-year-old Franklin got apprenticed to a printer in Boston, where he started publishing anonymous letters under the frankly incredible name Silence Dogood. This would remain the unquestioned best political pseudonym until 2019, when Pierre Delecto stunned the world in a come-from-behind victory.

I knew this from high school U.S. History, but somehow none of my teachers ever mentioned to me that the persona of Silence Dogood was an elderly Boston widow. Who wrote delightful columns on women’s issues, recipes, and fashion, among other topics. And who was so popular at the time that she received not one but SEVERAL marriage proposals from eligible older Bostonian gentlemen.

So not only was Ben Franklin the Mrs. Doubtfire of his day, he was a catfishing Mrs. Doubtfire. Incredible.

hellooooooooooo

The fact that I was forced to learn this fact on my own is why I sometimes doubt the US public school system. This is the shit I actually wanted to learn.

Ol Horndog Himself

When you picture Sagacious Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, do you picture the absolute thirstiest man in the 13 colonies? Because you should.

Franklin was a notorious womanizer, shacking up with a still-technically-married woman named Deborah Read in his early twenties and having two children with her. He did eventually marry her later on, though they spent almost fully half of their marriage living apart, so like, jury’s still out on how that one went.

Marriage notwithstanding, Franklin continued to flirt his way through life, courting and shacking up with various ladies all over America, England, France, and Austria. He may have had as many as 15 illegitimate children, and he talked all the time about how much he enjoyed dipping his quill in other people’s inkwells. In fact, he wrote a treatise on the subject, because of course he did.

So when I call Ben Franklin a fuckboi, please know that I mean the word in all its senses.

A List of Miscellaneous Dumb Things Ben Franklin Did

(This section is exactly what it says on the tin.)

• Tried to invent an all-new alphabet because he thought the way people currently spelled things was stupid, then got surprised when nobody wanted to literally throw out the entire alphabet.

• Jumped off of his boat into the Thames and swam THREE AND ONE HALF MILES from Chelsea to Blackfriars, doing fancy swim tricks all the way.

• Electrocuted himself trying to deep-fry a turkey.

• Maybe stole $100,000 from the Continental Congress, but got away with it based on sheer panache??

• Regularly sat naked in front of an open window for “health reasons.”

Oh My God They Were Roommates

My favorite little Franklin anecdote is the time he and John Adams took a trip from Philadelphia in 1776 to try to negotiate with British General Howe, and on the way they stopped to rest for the night in New Brunswick, New Jersey.

As the story has it, the only room available had only one bed in it.

(Slow down, historical fanfiction writers. Not that kind of only-one-bed.)

Apparently Franklin and Adams spent the whole night awake, snapping at each other about whether to sleep with the window open or closed. Franklin, who wanted the window open for some pseudoscientific reasons, literally talked Adams to sleep, so he got his way in the end.

takes one to know one, bennie

A God Damn Entrance

Did Bennie Franks turn up to the Constitutional Convention of 1789 like an ordinary human being? Did he maybe take a carriage, or walk, or request a lift in a wagon? Of course he didn’t. What would be the fun in that?

Did he show up in an elaborate sedan chair like some old-timey princess, carried by four prisoners on loan from the local jail? Hundred percent. This funky little man.

this is obviously not ben franklin, but it might as well be

Fart Theory

Scholar. Statesman. Inventor. Scientist. Fart enthusiast.

Ben Franklin penned an earnest philosophical essay titled “Fart Proudly,” and that’s all I plan to say on that subject.

Hats Off

Frequent readers of this newsletter will recall that the vast majority of my favorite historical dirtbags have had a penchant for weird hats. It gives me great pleasure to report that Ben Franklin continues in this grand tradition. The French went fucking wild for his hats. Specifically this hat:

“are you wearing—” “the ben franklin hat? yeah, I am.”

A whole fashion movement sprung up in reaction to this hat. Ladies were doing up their wigs to imitate his hats. Someone carved Franklin wearing this hat on a commemorative coin. Franklin did nothing quietly, and neither did his hats.

Did I Mention the MURDER BASEMENT

No??

In 1997, the London house where Ben Franklin had lived was undergoing pretty serious renovations. So when the builders made it to the basement, they tore up the floor and started digging, as you might expect.

What you might not expect is that those builders found a literal pile of human bones, twelve hundred plus in total, from at least ten people, all dating from the 1700s.

WHICH THEY DEFINITELY DID.

ol’ human-bones franklin, as they called him

Did Ben Franklin murder people and bury them in his basement? Probably not. Franklin shared the building with an anatomy physician who was probably using the basement to do his cadaver-based research.

But Franklin, if you ask me, totally one hundred percent for sure knew there were dead bodies in the basement, because how could you not know, there were 1,200 individual bones, that is not an insignificant number of bones.

This fun fact is my gift to you, and you may do with it whatever you wish.

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Anyway, all this to say, Ben Franklin is America’s weird uncle. If he was alive today, he would probably be a thrift store icon, deep into essential oils, and an absolute god-tier shitposter on Reddit. You’d see him every morning doing eight hundred laps at the YMCA pool wearing reflective goggles and a Speedo. Case closed.

Thanks to a lovely reader for suggesting I devote an edition of this newsletter to Benny Franks! If you have a dirtbag you’d like to see featured, leave their name in a comment—I happily take requests.

Also please do comment with your favorite weird Ben Franklin facts that I didn’t include, because these are the ones I knew but I absolutely bet there are more.

Until next time, check your basement for stray bones,

-Allison