Hello friends!
I’m back with a Surprise Bonus Issue, for no better reason than I was waiting for an after-hours email to come in last night and had nothing better to do.
Today, we’re shaking up the format a bit! Instead of one dirtbag, you get 12 mini-dirtbags and a sort-of quiz! That’s because we’re playing…
Which Dirtbag English Monarch Are You Based On Your Star Sign?
Few things before we get going.
First, my knowledge of astrology is deeply not great, so like, jot that down, Copernicus or whatever.
Second, sorry, British history fans, if this feels like short shrift. The British monarchy gets so much play in history that writing a full newsletter about one of them feels like treading old ground, but they’re all so weird that I don’t want to skip them entirely. So, grab bag it is.
Third, I literally don’t know anything about the House of Hanover and I refuse to learn, so they are not featured.
All right, enough caveats. You’re not paying money for this, you get what you get.
Aries: Henry V (1413-1422)
Is the shower-thought “Henry V is definitely an Aries” the whole reason I made this list? Maybe. Henry V has the biggest Aries frat-boy energy and I’ll fight anyone who disagrees with me.
Dost thou wanna go, sir? Dost thou wanna wage a war? Wanna get on your horse in full plate armor and ride real fast? Wanna go for a joust, sir? Wanna stab the Earl of Northumberland’s son in hand-to-hand combat? Wanna throw hands with the Lord Chief Justice?? WANNA STEAL FRANCE?? Dost thou even hoist, sir??
Taurus: Henry VIII (1509-1547)
Listen, Tauruses, don’t yell at me. I’m a Taurus too, and I’m right. The Henry VIII lifestyle is luxury and excess all the way down. Trip to church? Why not build your own church? Camping? Why not make your tent out of literal gold cloth? One wife? Why not six? Wanna do the thing that makes you happy? Spit on the Pope and go for it. You deserve it, bestie.
I’m just saying. On the spectrum between Edward the Confessor and Henry VIII, Tauruses are way over on the right.
Gemini: Edward IV (1461-1470, 1471-1483)
I know the easy joke answer here is Richard III, but 1) Evil Gemini jokes are tired, and 2) Richard III as you know him is basically just a Tudor propaganda sandwich with 400 years of ableism for the bread.
No, Geminis, you’re Edward IV. The charismatic, adaptable people-person who never saw a problem he couldn’t charm his way out of, or a throne he couldn’t charm his way onto. He stole the throne of England from a literal child and then used it mostly to get good wine and better mistresses. Then Henry VI took the throne away from him and he took it right back, because that’s just how he rolled.
Piece of shit? Certainly. Goals? Maybe.
Cancer: Richard II (1377-1379)
Oh, my sweet sweet problem child Richard II. It’s not your fault you got crowned at age 11. It is sorta your fault that your own moodiness and need to Feel your Feelings got your ass deposed because everyone liked your cousin better than you. It’s OK though, Cancers. Richard II has the most bomb-ass Shakespeare play.
My mental version of R2 is always the Shakespeare one: whiny, sassy, melodramatic, definitely one of the guys you met in high school drama class.
Leo: Richard I (1189-1199)
Not just because he’s Richard the Lionheart, but mostly because of his sheer inability to not be the center of attention. Richard Plantagenet? More like Richard “Guess I’ll Go On Another Crusade And Murder Some Civilians Because God Forbid The Rest Of The World Forget How Cool I Am.” Wanna enjoy a casual Robin Hood adaptation? BAM. RICHARD I. Wanna read Sir Walter Scott? RICHARD I. Wanna play Assassin’s Creed? Guess who’s about to show up OH SURPRISE SURPRISE IT’S RICHARD I, HE CAN’T HELP HIMSELF.
Virgo: Mary I (1553-1558)
Y’all thought I was gonna pick Elizabeth. But nobody embodies perfectionist determination better than her big sister Mary I, who loved rules and order so much that she…kinda went off on a Protestant-killing spree. (I’m not saying you would, Virgos. I’m just saying that you’ve watched people not follow the rules and you’ve seen where she’s coming from.)
Also, Mary was resented during her time for her strictness, but history regards her as one of the country’s more effective and practical rulers, other than the whole religious-persecution thing. That sound you just heard? Eight hundred Virgos whispering “I told you so.”
Libra: Edward VIII (1936)
Can’t make up your mind, Libra? Neither could Edward VIII. First he wanted to be king. Then he wanted to run off and putz around Europe with a sexy divorcee. Then he wanted to…be king again, except that’s kind of not how that works. Y’all have seen The Crown. You know.
(We’re gonna skip the Nazi business for now, this is my newsletter and I don’t want Nazis in my jokes.)
Scorpio: William I (1066-1087)
Ah, Scorpio. Ruthless, goth as hell, never one to choose a normal option when there is an ~*aesthetic*~ choice to be made. Can I introduce you to William the Conqueror and a little gatecrashing drama-fest known as the Battle of Hastings?
Other signs might have taken the throne in a normal way: stodgy coronation in London, maybe an ermine mantle. William? Cruised in from France and SHOT A MAN THROUGH THE EYE WITH AN ARROW. (Allegedly.) Then had the whole saga IMMORTALIZED IN A TAPESTRY. In which people are repeatedly shown NOT WEARING PANTS FOR SOME REASON. The vibes are undeniable.
Sagittarius: Alfred I (871-886)
For questing, life-loving Sagittarius, only one of the Really Old-Timey Kings would do. Alfred spent his days wandering through the forests fighting Vikings and thinking deep thoughts about God, which is what I imagine most Sags would like to be doing on your average Tuesday. Plus his Wikipedia page has a whole section titled “The Cake Legend,” which is a level of cake-focus we should all strive for.
Capricorn: Edward III (1327-1377)
Capricorns, did you emerge from the womb as a fully formed adult worried about your 401(k) contributions? So did Edward III, who became king at the chill age of fourteen. And unlike basically every other child king in England’s history, Edward III somehow did not get murdered by an angry uncle and instead became an adult king who ruled for 50 whole years! Driven mostly by spite and petty grievances! My man!
Aquarius: James VI/I (1603-1625)
Aquarius is allegedly the sign of free spirits and eccentrics, and I fricken dare you to find me a more eccentric British monarch than James VI/I, whose ruling style is so wacky he couldn’t even pick one number to go after his name. His reign featured: explosions, sexy gay scandals, black magic, witchcraft, more sexy gay scandals, multiple murder plots, gay blasphemy, demons, and a group of people whimsically called the “Gentlemen Adventurers of Fife.” He’s a hot mess and I love him.
Pisces: Henry VI (1422-1461, 1470-1471)
Ah, Pisces. The sign of dreamers, romantics, and people who absolutely have no desire whatsoever to be king. Unfortunately, Henry VI was one of you guys. Did he want to be king? Probably not! Was he? Yes! Sorta! Well, his uncle did the ruling part because he was a literal baby! And then he got older and tried it himself and was actually king but did not enjoy it at all! And then he got overthrown so no! And then he came back so yes again! And then he got stabbed so not really anymore!
I feel so bad for Henry VI. If he’d been born 500-odd years later, I’m pretty sure he’d have had a Bob Ross-style painting show on public television and would’ve been happy as a clam.
As with all horoscopes, the usual caveats apply. The stars are fickle yet all-knowing. Sometimes they help you talk to angels. Don’t blame me if you don’t like your result.
‘Til next time—and who knows when that might be? time’s a lie!—take care, and enjoy the sound of Claire Foy saying “abdication” repeating in your head all afternoon.
-Allison