lightning round

Or, a rousing game of "would I kick this historical figure into a lake?"

Hello friends!

It’s summer, which means the temperatures are rising, the Supreme Court is overturning Americans’ reproductive rights, and I am wildly behind on every deadline in my life. (At least one of those things is seasonal.)

To maintain my rhythm of “dirtbags roughly every other week,” please enjoy this mini-installment, which I like to call:

Would I Kick This Historical Figure Into a Lake?

A couple months ago, I asked Twitter to share some of their most-hated historical figures, which gave me more fodder for this newsletter than frankly I know what to do with. There were a number of names that came up repeatedly but who I just don’t have it in my bones to write a full newsletter about, because they’re either too famous, too obviously shitty, or both, so I’m going to go through several of them rapid-fire-style. A sort of lightning round of dirtbaggery, if you will.

1. Thomas Edison

also my electric company’s named for him and my bill’s too damn high so that’s another reason

Yes. With gusto. Edison cheated others out of their patents, publicly electrocuted dogs as part of his testing process, and was generally an all-around piece of shit. He gets held up as a genius the same way Elon Musk gets held up as a genius, and it irritates me every time. I would kick him in a lake and then toss a lightbulb in after for good measure.

2. Alexander Graham Bell

hope he’s this unhappy in hell

Yes, for two primary reasons. One, for his shitty take that all Deaf people should give up sign language and rely on lip-reading with the eventual eugenicist goal of creating a world without any Deaf people in it at all. Two, for deciding we should go with “hello” instead of “ahoy” when answering the phone. Wrong choice on both counts. Have fun at the bottom of the lake, bud.

3. Charles Lindbergh

did I choose the most unflattering picture I could find? obviously I did

Not only would I kick this raging antisemite into a lake, but I would deliberately give his plane bad coordinates so that he could drop the whole plane into the lake and retroactively get rid of his reputation as a guy who was good at flying. Fuck you, Lindbergh.

4. T.S. Eliot

the man to blame for CATS (2019)

Conflicted. “The Waste Land” is my favorite poem of all time. Misogyny and antisemitism are not my cup of tea. Honestly I take pleasure in the idea that Eliot would be pissed as all hell that I personally enjoy his work. I would like to sit next to Eliot on the banks of a lake and talk to him about the mimetic nature of modern consciousness until he threw himself in the lake to get rid of me.

5. Lord Byron

SLAY, DIRTBAG KING

Absolutely not. The opposite, in fact. I want to hang out with Lord Byron for a wild weekend in Reno. I think we would have an absolutely fantastic time so long as we were together for under 72 hours, which I think is the FDA’s maximum recommended dose of Byron. I would take a six-day shower after this encounter, but I would definitely never forget it.

6. Henry Ford

I’m so MAD

On sight. Immediately. Would drag him up from the bottom of the lake just to kick him in again. Cannot emphasize strongly enough how much I personally would like to fight Henry Ford.

7. Saint Augustine

“who me? another revelation?? if you insist!!”

Very much so, and for the exact same reason as my grudge against Socrates. “Would you like a revelation? Here, have 400 pages of revelations! Listen to my thoughts and feelings! Aren’t I wise?” If I took a shot every time I wanted to kick Saint Augustine into a lake while reading the Confessions, I’d be deceased.

8. Jane Boleyn, Viscountess Rochford

I love this completely-out-of-proportion shitty lady

Jane was suggested more than once, and to these people I have to ask, did we read the same history? I love this conniving bitch. She’s a trash human with one goal (fuck around and not find out), and I wish her all the best. Would sit beside a lake with her and shit-talk passersby for hours.

9. Henry David Thoreau

this beard is incorrect, no I will not elaborate

Yes, but without enthusiasm. Like, if there were other, more kick-into-a-lake-able people nearby, he wouldn’t be top on my list. In an ideal world he would trip in a mud puddle on his own and I wouldn’t have to be involved.

10. Ayn Rand

I wouldn’t subject the lake to her.

Catch y’all next time,

-Allison