29 Comments
Apr 16Liked by Allison Epstein

A dirtbag extraordinaire, and that's even without mentioning one of his most dastardly schemes. While travelling overseas 'on the lookout for novelties' he tried to buy William Shakespeare's house in Stratford upon Avon and ship it over, every brick and timber, to the USA for a new museum. His plans were foiled by the great author (and secret dirtbag himself) Charles Dickens. Allowing him to steal an icon of our nation's heritage to put it on display in his own museum would have meant Great Britain had lost its collective marbles. Actually, let's not mention marbles...especially those of the Parthenon sort.

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author

I DID NOT KNOW THIS

AND YET IT IS SO PERFECTLY IN KEEPING WITH WHAT I DID KNOW

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There is an actual braodway musical of Barnum that came out in the 1980s. Glenn Close was the original Charity! As you might expect, much of this outrageous cruel bullshittery was overlooked in that book, as well.

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Apr 17Liked by Allison Epstein

As a diehard Les Miserables fan I will fight you over your hugh jackman footnote 🤣

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author

BRING IT ON I'VE TRAINED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS FIGHT

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HUGH JACKMAN NAILED THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS (even if he didn't have as high of a voice). (Javert however.....)

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the only thing Hugh Jackman brought to that movie was a sense of self-satisfied smugness because he thought he was giving the performance of a lifetime when in reality he was giving NOTHING

(I am genuinely less mad at Russell Crowe because he knew he was doing a bad job and valiantly tried his best, while Hugh Jackman confidently and smugly yodeled out each note through his nose.)

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Apr 17Liked by Allison Epstein

Ok OR that yodely nasely sound is exactly what old timey men in the 1800s sounded like and THUS he WAS giving the performance of a lifetime!

Exhibit A: Audio recordings from the 1800s. Tell me they don't sound like old timey radio operators? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0H8Q4QD-cM&ab_channel=RestorationArchive

Exhibit B: 17 Jean Valjeans singing. Tell me these men aren't going for full warble? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpDbvlAI_A0&ab_channel=YustosAnthony

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author

these old-timey men are indeed doing an uncanny Hugh Jackman impression!

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I rest my case.

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Apr 16Liked by Allison Epstein

John C. Reilly, finally recognized for his dramatic range, wins Best Actor in 2032 for the biopic, "Barnum." Controversy arises over the use of real mermaid monkeys. Directed by Tim Burton.

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Apr 16Liked by Allison Epstein

Mission accomplished. Showman ruined. The spirit of the elephant and the mermaid were probably going around lighting the fires in all Barnum's truly dumb buildings.

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Apr 16Liked by Allison Epstein

I loved the brackets. I was born in a Mid-West city, lived in the South and in CT (more than 25 years) before retiring and moving back to my Mid-Western city. Living in CT you learn that this tiny state is a pass-through for anyone going from NY to Boston, has a lot of old houses (old by US standards), a lot of houses of dead famous people you can visit (Mark Twain, Noah Webster, etc.), a lot of bears, coyotes, foxes and other wildlife, small towns and roads that look like the ones in Midsomer Murders (similar names too), mostly small cities, that it's a very Blue state but doesn't require motorcycle helmets (go figure), and has a gazillion colleges and universities. But, I never heard about PT being born there or about his mansion that burned to the ground. Thank you for that bit of history.

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Apr 17Liked by Allison Epstein

The Greatest Showman is the the movie PT Barnum would have made about himself. And I love that for him.

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Apr 17Liked by Allison Epstein

I love your work. I discovered you just recently. ♥️

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author

Thank you so much!! That's so kind!

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Apr 17Liked by Allison Epstein

Snorted coffee out my nose over the mermaid photoshop - incredible!

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Apr 16Liked by Allison Epstein

That photoshopped mermaid is exactly why I come here! Perfection.

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Justice for JUMBOOOO

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Apr 16Liked by Allison Epstein

Oh, I see you. You saved PT Barnham until after this year’s Dirtbag Madness Bracket was complete. because I totally would’ve voted for him.

But now that I’m thinking about it, you need to do an article about Edison and then maybe do a grudge match between the two of them because they both fucking deserve it.

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Unless you’ve already done Edison, and I’ve missed it? Now I have to go look.

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author

I haven't done Edison! There was a period in time I was like "oh I won't do the obvious ones," but now I'm finding joy in yelling at people who really deserve it, so perhaps his time will come.

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He’s one of the biggest dirtbags of all time. Between what he did to animals and what he did to Tesla, he deserves all of the ridicule you can dish out.

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Great piece! And, sadly, no more exploited elephants in the circus.

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My brother in christ, ahaha. I have encountered many of Barnum's exploits in other formats but it never fails to be astounding and amusing just how awful this guy was, considering most non-interested people hear about him as a "great circus guy" and leave it at that.

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14 paragraphs ago TOOK ME OUT 🤣🤣🤣

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“Faith”, “Hope”, and “Grace” have hung on. I even met a girl named “Chasity” (yes,

just the one t) and was surprised to find out that name hasn’t faded completely out.

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