young, hot, & horny

Or, Sir Francis Bryan, the Roman Roy of Tudor England

Hi friends,

At this point in our journey through Dirtbags Past, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I have two types of dirtbags I enjoy featuring. On the one hand, you have your absolute assholes (your Lord Alfreds Douglass, or your Popes Stephen VI). On the other, you have people who were absolutely incredible and achieved what they did in life by virtue of being one wacky, sometimes shitty sonofabitch (your Empress Livia, or your Georgie Hyde-Lees).

Well, today’s dirtbag is six of one, half-dozen of the other, because we’re going back to my roots and introducing you to one of the strangest, shittiest, and most delightful people in Tudor England:

Sir Francis Bryan, AKA the Vicar of Hell

Listen, when a guy from the 1500s gets a nickname and it’s “the Vicar of Hell,” you know it’s gonna be good. Even better when that same guy looks like he just wandered out of Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

yarr

There’s no surviving portraits of Sir Francis Bryan, so I’m using screengrabs from the flaming trash heap of delight that is The Tudors. That show is where I first learned of his existence, and the energy he brought in that show matches nobody else on screen. You know how in Phantom of the Opera, Mme. Giry is the only one to speak in an exaggerated French accent, and everyone else is just using their everyday outside voices? That’s what Sir Francis Bryan is doing and I have no choice but to stan.

Anyway, enough about Incredible Character Actor Alan van Sprang. Let’s get into it, shall we?

Eggs, Spears, and Other Bullshit

Francis Bryan was born in 1490ish and, as a young man, came to London to serve in the court of everyone’s (no one’s?) favorite king, Henry VIII. Now, as you’ll know intimately well if you are also a fan of The Tudors, young H8 wasn’t the large, ailing, capricious king we all know from that one portrait.

No, Henry VIII was young, hot, and horny.

there’s, uh, a lot going on with anne’s outfit here

And like so many other horny dudes before and after him, the king surrounded himself with young men who were…very like him in this respect. History refers to this group of Henry’s favorite courtiers as his “minions,” but for obvious Despicable Me-related reasons, I don’t love that term, so I’m calling them his “frat bros” for newsletter purposes.

Anyway. Francis Bryan was one of the most powerful and well known of the Tudor Frat Bros. He became a Gentleman of the Privy Chamber, which a) means that he got to help Henry VIII put on his underwear, which b) was somehow an enormous honor.

But did Bryan use this elevated position to secure a politically advantageous future for himself and his family? Absolutely of fucking course he did not.

Instead, Bryan and his Frat Bro Bud Sir Edward Neville went gallivanting around the continent stirring shit up. Apparently at some point he threw eggs at random Parisian citizens during a diplomatic mission. Which, I’m no diplomat, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t on the agenda.

“i’m sorry, your majesty, I thought you said you wanted to eggsecute your wives.”

He also lost his eye in a mysterious spear-related accident at Greenwich shortly after the Great Egg-Throwing Incident of 1519, which explains the Captain Morgan look. Although honestly, this guy probably would’ve worn an eyepatch even if he still had both eyes, so I gotta wonder if he didn’t do it on purpose for the vibes.

Double Oh Eyepatch

By all accounts, Bryan was a pretty smart guy, with a skill for languages and a bold, daring personality. Which means—yes, you guessed it, say it with me—he was super probably a spy!!!

(God, I just *clenches fist* love Tudor spies.)

Bryan was sent all over Europe by Cardinal Wolsey on numerous “clandestine missions,” which I super hope was as badass as I imagine it. I personally have a hard time imagining how this man:

could keep a low profile, but major kudos to him, since it doesn’t seem like he ever got caught.

Rated R for Really Sexy Apparently

You may be wondering at this point what Sir Francis Bryan did to earn his nickname “Vicar of Hell.” Well, I shall tell you. In addition to being an egg-throwing superspy, Bryan was also a Machiavellian conniver who, unrelatedly, could not keep it in his pants.

If you have a reputation as a notorious libertine in the 👏 court 👏 of 👏 Henry 👏 the 👏 Eighth 👏 , you know you’re doing something truly special in the horndog department. And Bryan absolutely fulfilled that charge.

what is even going on in this screengrab

In addition to his two wives (sequentially, not simultaneously), Bryan left a trail of mistresses and lovers in his wake everywhere he went. Even, according to some historians, the LITERAL VATICAN.

Did Sir Francis Bryan really try to convince the pope to let Henry get divorced by sleeping with the staff of the papal palace? Friend, I dunno, but I choose to believe so.

He apparently dressed to kill, gambled away obscene amounts of money, and was such a raging horny partier that he got thrown out of the French court of King Francis I, which I feel like is the very definition of #TudorFratBroGoals.

Stay Sexy Don’t Get Murdered

Now, to be clear, was Sir Francis Bryan a good person? Nah. Do I love him? Yes.

Why? Two reasons. First, I absolutely cannot resist a man in a silly hat. Second, my love for Sir Francis Bryan is very like my love for Anne of Cleves, in that these two people absolutely refused to let themselves get executed.

hiding from the inevitability of death etc.

So you know what this man was up against, Sir Francis Bryan was cousins with:

1. Anne Boleyn

2. Jane Seymour

3. Katherine Howard

If you’re keeping score at home, that is fully 50% of Henry’s wives, and fully 100% of the wives whose heads he cut off.

So the fact that Sir Francis Bryan not only kept himself above the fray three separate times, but also somehow leveraged those connections to become a famous courtier who outlived the king and became Lord Justice of Ireland??

We stan a strategic dirtbag. If the Tudor court were the cast of Succession, Sir Francis Bryan would be Roman Roy. (Anne of Cleves would be the mom who lives in England, btw, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Sir Francis Bryan died suddenly, presumably of natural causes, in 1550. This man pissed off the Boleyns, the Howards, Cardinal Wolsey, and Thomas Cromwell, and he died of natural causes. How? Power of the eyepatch, baby.

Writing Life Update

I’ve been hard at work on a writing project I hope to tell you about very soon indeed, but until then, there’s still much Tudor goodness to be had!

Fill the Dirtbag Tudor Spy hole in your heart that Sir Francis Bryan created with A Tip for the Hangman, my historical fiction novel about the equally dirtbaggy Kit Marlowe and his spy adventures.

And on Saturday, September 18 at 12pm CT, I’ll be joining the exceptionally talented author Karen Heenan for an Instagram Live chat about her latest Tudor novel, A Wider World! There are no spies explicitly in AWW, but there is court intrigue, Cromwell cameos, and some very sexy Italian priests, so check that out if you want more Tudors in your life. And follow me on Insta @rapscallison to join us.

Until then, someone please inform me where I can buy a Sir Francis Bryan-style hat in the Year of Our Lord 2021, because I have a mighty need.

Cheers,

-A