wagner? I hardly know her

Or, the queer HGTV energy of Bavaria's King Ludwig II.

Hello, friends!

Before I get into the story of this week’s dirtbag, I want it on record that I love this little weirdo with my whole heart and will not hear any slander against him. Every sentence I read about him is that meme of two Spidermen pointing at each other, in which one Spiderman is me and the other Spiderman is this 19th-century King of Bavaria.

sometimes I wonder if other people on imgflip see the memes I create for this newsletter and, if so, what they think

Other pre-story caveat is that I learned most of what I know about Ludwig II from Jac Jemc’s weird and wonderful new novel Empty Theatre, which I read in 24 hours recently and adored from top to bottom. I think members of Dirtbag Nation would really enjoy it.

Now that I’ve thoroughly shown my hand about who we’re discussing today and why, let’s get into the story of…

Ludwig II of Bavaria, aka the Sad Art School Undergrad Somebody Made King

every single picture of Ludwig II that exists involves him staring off broodily into the middle distance. nothing but respect for my emo king.

I’m aware that I’m on record as recently as this month saying that I don’t understand German history. For that reason, I will be providing exactly as much context as I understand for this story and not a drop more. German history fans, feel free to pick up the slack in the comments.

Ludwig II was born in August 1845 at the Nymphenburg Palace in Munich where his father, King Maximillian II, was currently being King of Bavaria. This is the southeast bit of what’s currently modern-day Germany, but at the time was its own thing (though not for much longer, as we’ll get into).

Extremely important sidebar: Ludwig II’s paternal grandfather, Ludwig I, was the very same King Ludwig I mentioned in a previous newsletter about my favorite historical grifter, Lola Montez. That’s right, Lola Montez the Irish shit-stirrer who pretended to be a Spanish dancer and seduced King Ludwig I so hard he had to abdicate the throne so Bavaria wouldn’t burn itself down in protest. So you have a sense of the atmosphere we’re dealing with here.

From a very young age, Ludwig earned himself a reputation as a sad, artsy, socially awkward little weirdo (*gestures vaguely at Spiderman meme above*). He was distant from his parents, preferring to spend his time with Weird Grandpa Ludwig I. All Little Ludwig really wanted to do as a kid was wander through the countryside pretending to be a magical prince in disguise, and if I’d been in charge I would have let him.

In 1864, when Ludwig was 19 years old, his father passed away, and he was crowned King Ludwig II. How did it go, you ask? Well. Uh.

Isn’t It Byronic

Here’s a fun fact about Ludwig II. No one wanted him to be king, least of all himself. Ludwig kept all of his father’s advisors in place and basically let them keep doing whatever they wanted to do re: running Bavaria, voicing virtually no opinions about anything. His most kingly action was to sulk around being young and hot and sad and generally upset about things, like a character who walked off the page of a Byron poem to become Germany’s problem.

*Andrew Garfield in Tick Tick Boom voice*: this is the life ba-ba ba-ba ba Bavaria

Ludwig did not particularly like people. He hated crowds, disliked state occasions, and basically would go 300 miles out of his way to avoid having to speak to a politician. What he did like, though, was truth, art, beauty, love, and other things that sound like a line Ewan McGregor would deliver in Moulin Rouge. He loved the theater. Wagner, mostly. Sort of a lot.

Arguably, one might say, too much.

While his various ministers and advisors were trying to get him to pay attention to matters of state, Ludwig was too busy sneaking off to attend private performances of Wagner’s operas, hide in the back of Wagner’s rehearsals, inviting Wagner to his royal apartments and having long conversations with Wagner about Wagner stuff. One of the first things he did as king was to bring Wagner to court on a more-permanent basis and start flinging obscene amounts of money in his direction to fund his operas.

(Obligatory pause to say: fuck Wagner and the proto-Nazi horse he rode in on. I hope he is having a bad time in hell.)

I will never write a newsletter about wagner because I hate him too earnestly to make it fun, but he did have a little jaunty hat, so.

Global events were, of course, happening all around Ludwig at this point, even though he clearly did not give a damn about them. Ludwig’s early reign overlapped with the Austro-Prussian war, during which Bavaria was absorbed into the brand-new German Empire. It seems doubtful whether Ludwig even noticed this was happening, because Wagner was not involved.

One time Ludwig even threatened to abdicate the throne so he could run away and live with Wagner, a conversation I have to believe unfolded sort of like this:

Ludwig: all of this political jockeying with Bismarck and the German Empire is exhausting.
Wagner, not really listening, surreptitiously online shopping for a big sign that says “I Hate the Jews”: I bet.
Ludwig: I hate being king, I just want to be done
Wagner: mmm
Ludwig: let’s run away together
Wagner, doing a literal spit-take and minimizing his Amazon search: I’m sorry what
Ludwig: we can live in exile in the forest like we’re William Tell
Wagner, increasingly alarmed: your majesty what the entire fuck
Ludwig: you can write me an opera in which I play the lead role and get to fall in love with a hot swan prince
Wagner, packing up his things and inching toward the door: excuse me your majesty, I have to go tie my shoes, urgently, in Paris or something

Historically Very Good Friends

In the 1870s, a few years into his reign, it became increasingly urgent for Ludwig to get married and have an heir to the throne. Unfortunately, he wasn’t any better at marriage than he was at kingship. Ludwig was engaged to Duchess Sophie, sister of the Empress of Austria, but it doesn’t seem like he ever had any feelings for her. They talked about—no points for guessing—Wagner’s operas all through their engagement, and then after postponing the wedding three or four times, Ludwig eventually had it called off altogether.

official portrait of the engaged couple, neither of whom are having a good time

Why didn’t the match work out, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Because Ludwig was a young gay man prone to depression who had absolutely no interest in taking one for the team. We know this because of Ludwig’s own diaries, which say—and I’m paraphrasing slightly here—“I am as gay as the day is long and because of compulsory heterosexuality and religious trauma I’m frankly having a very hard time with it.”

Ludwig never ended up marrying, though he did have several intense relationships with other men. History calls these “very close friendships,” because history sucks.

Zillowhengrin

(This Wagnerian-opera-slash-house-shopping pun deserves a Nobel prize, I don’t care if none of you enjoy it, I’ve never been prouder of anything in my life.)

So Ludwig wasn’t governing the country. He wasn’t getting married or having heirs. He wasn’t participating in state functions. What the actual fuck was he doing, you ask?

Two words: real estate.

Between 1868 and 1878, Ludwig spent the modern-day equivalent of roughly $3.5 billion on building a bunch of extravagant castles up in the Bavarian mountains. If you, like me, enjoy spending your spare time sorting local house listings “Price: High to Low” and seeing what weird shit rich people will come up with, Ludwig II’s castles are your absolute dream. Here’s the most famous one, Neuschwanstein Castle:

OK, I’m lying. That’s the Beast’s castle from Beauty and the Beast. This is the real Neuschwanstein:

But, like. You see what I mean.

I cannot emphasize enough that construction on Neuschwanstein began in 1868. This castle had phone lines. By the time it was finished they could have put in elevators and a two-car garage for the automobiles now available for the general public to purchase. This is not what your average guy’s new house was looking like in the 1860s, is what I’m getting at.

But Ludwig wasn’t interested in building a house so he could have a house. He built these castles so he could pretend he was living in a Wagnerian opera. Statues and frescoes of Wagnerian scenes were all over the palace. There was even a magical grotto where he could go and pretend to live his best life as a mermaid.

not enough grottos in modern floor plans imo

It’s incredible. 10/10. Where are the Property Brothers. Where are the House Hunters International. There’s another one of Ludwig’s castles that’s a 0.75-scale reproduction of Versailles, which I feel like I have also seen on the Zillow Gone Wild Instagram page somewhere in Indiana.

Attack of the Umbrella Soldiers

Some people point to Ludwig’s Castlevania phase and tell you it shows Ludwig was too mentally ill to be a competent ruler. The house of Wittlesbach, to which Ludwig belonged, was notorious for mental health issues, a thing that 19th-century medicine and centuries of marrying one’s cousins did nothing to help. Ludwig II is often remembered in history as “Mad King Ludwig” who played make-believe in his mermaid grotto instead of going to war, so you can see what side of the question history has come down on.

Now. This may be a controversial take, but I believe strongly that Ludwig II was not mad at all. He was a sad baby gay theater kid with depression, perhaps a touch of neurodivergence, and a desperate millennial hankering for homeownership. All he really needed to thrive was a prescription for Wellbutrin, an undergraduate degree in arts and ideas from Sarah Lawrence, and a Pinterest. I see him, is what I’m saying.

Unfortunately, lots of people in Ludwig’s day did not share my opinion. In 1886, the royal cabinet was tired of spending billions on these (objectively badass) castles, and so they got a doctor to proclaim Ludwig mentally unstable and unfit to rule.

They sent a small force to storm Neuschwanstein and take Ludwig captive, though it didn’t go well for them. One of Ludwig’s companions beat them out of the doorway with an umbrella at first, a scenario I imagine unfolding something like this:

Unfortunately, the soldiers eventually got the better of the Neuschwanstein staff, and Ludwig’s cousin Luitpold declared himself the new King Regent. Ludwig was transported to Berg Castle in the care of the doctor who had declared him insane.

I’ll Give You Three Guesses What Kind of Circumstances We’re About to Encounter

Shortly after his arrival at Berg Castle, Ludwig and his doctor went for a walk on the castle grounds one evening and didn’t return. Many hours later, a search party was dispatched and found the bodies of both Ludwig and his doctor in the shallow water of the lake near the castle. Ludwig was dead at age 40, mere weeks after his deposition.

That’s right, babes, we’ve got conspiracy theories and mysterious circumstances! Because what the hell happened to Ludwig?

waiting for answers as indignantly as ludwig is waiting for wagner in this photo

Literally no one knows. Suicide is one theory, but there doesn’t seem to be much to back that up. Drowning is another option, but the water only came up to Ludwig’s waist, and he was reportedly a very strong swimmer, and besides a double accidental drowning is a real hell of a thing.

So if foul play was involved, who did it? And why? The man who did Ludwig’s autopsy confessed to a priest on his deathbed that Ludwig had been shot and he’d never told anyone about the bullet wound, which adds a real bit of dramatic flair to the mystery but doesn’t actually answer anything.

Was he trying to escape? Was there an assassin? Is Richard Wagner to blame somehow? The world may never know.

But we do know one thing: if I had to pick one historical figure to decorate my apartment for me, it would be King Ludwig II, hands-down. Can you imagine what my landlord would do if I installed a mermaid grotto. The property value would soar.

Anyway, that’s all for this time. Thanks for letting me shout about this Bavarian king I’ve recently become obsessed with. Until next time, be well, and go spend 45 minutes on Zillow in honor of Ludwig,

-Allison