welcome to the thunderdome
Or, let the Dirtbag Madness begin!
Hello, friends!
It’s March! It’s snowing again! I’m going through my third corporate acquisition in approximately 16 months and all my work files are gone! The amount of Cheez-Its I have eaten in the past two weeks is absurd because I get overwhelmed thinking about chopping an onion! I signed up to record a guest spot on a podcast at 11pm Central tonight because I’m catastrophically bad at time zones! My insurance company doesn’t believe I exist! I’ve blurbed three books in four weeks! My copy edits are coming!
All this to say, it’s a bit of a time over here!
But that doesn’t have to mean Dirtbag Nation goes quiet while I get my life in order. On the contrary, in fact! I promised (threatened?) to do this a while back, and while I originally said it was going to be for paid subscribers only, I want the whole group’s opinion on Round One at least, so I’m kicking it off on main.
That’s right, it’s…
THE FIRST ANNUAL DIRTBAG MADNESS TOURNAMENT!!!
(If you thought I could get through the month without giving way to a goofy gimmick that every brand and their mother is participating in, you were wrong. I love voting on things and I love arguing for no reason. Also, that Canva Pro subscription ain’t gonna squander itself.)
If you’re not familiar with the way America goes feral for college basketball once every twelve months, not to worry, as Dirtbag Madness is a very simple setup. Simply scroll down to vote in Round One for who you think would win in a one-to-one matchup between two given historical dumpster fires. May the best (worst) dirtbag win!
You may use any criteria you like to decide what “win” means. It can be a fistfight in the street. It can be a poison competition. It can be who would be more fun on a Love Is Blind-style reunion show. It can be whose hats are more extra. Follow your gut here, and don’t overthink it.
Round One will be open to all Dirtbag Nation members and will run through Thursday, March 21.
After that, I’ll close the polls to only paid subscribers, who will get invites to vote on the intermediate rounds. I’ll open back up for full voting privileges for the finale, and we’ll crown the victor in April’s first newsletter.
Want to have a say in the ultimate outcome? Just like in America, your vote means more if you pair it with money. Sign up to become a paid member of Dirtbag Nation and gain access to the whole tournament, plus occasional bonus content and the smug knowledge that you’re somehow superior to your friends. Paid subscriptions are 30% off through the end of March to encourage you to commit voter fraud join in the fun.
So Let’s Do It! Polls Are Open!
Matchup number one pits two heavy-hitting French legends against each other: The Corsican Crybaby Napoleon Bonaparte versus Horny Republican Goat Enthusiast Victor Hugo.
The second heat pulls out two of the best examples of Murder Lady this newsletter has ever seen: Catalina “Stabbed Her Own Brother and Herded 22,000 Llamas Across South America” de Erauso versus Catherine “Nice Country You Have, Sure Would Be A Shame If Someone Massacred All The Protestants In It” de Medici. (The dueling “de”s was an accident but I’m in favor of it.)
Next up, it’s…Flaming Pigeon Revenge Queen Saint Olga of Kyiv versus the Wettest of Wet Noodles King George IV. I don’t have a clever theme for these two. But imagine them hanging out. I think Olga would try to light George on fire and George would try to divorce Olga even though they weren’t married in the first place.
Fourth, it’s two of my favorite “bro, what?” historical figures from the archives: Golden-Nose Moose-Man Tycho Brahe versus Tin-Can-Wearing Wallaby-Swearin Bushranger Ned Kelly.
Fifth, it’s two young people who canonically were unable to keep it in their pants and lost their lives at least tangentially because of it: Amateur Fireworks Enthusiast Lord Darnley versus Teen Pope Fuckboy John XII. These two also died in some of the most comical ways possible, accompanied by whimsical illustrations, so that synergy makes me happy.
My bisexuals! They’re here and they’re fighting! Who would win, messy Bible-writing witch-burning James VI/I or equally messy opera-singing nun-burning swordfighting Julie d’Aubigney? (James would try to burn Julie as a witch but I don’t think he would succeed, she is simply too stabby.)
For the penultimate matchup, I wanted to keep it all in the family, so it’s a classic Julio-Claudian showdown between Poison Mushroom Queen Agrippina and her brother Horse-In-The-Senate Caligula. (NB: I did not put Livia in this matchup because Livia would have killed them both in a heartbeat. She’s my number-one seed and it simply was not fair.)
And finally! These weirdos! Who is a bigger dirtbag: Lola Montez, the Irish lady who pretended to be a Spanish flamenco dancer, seduced the elderly king of Bavaria, and challenged an Australian journalist to a whip fight? Or Helena Blavatsky, the Russian lady who claimed she could move furniture with her mind, co-founded a cult with an imaginary Indian man, and wrote a 14,000-page literary criticism of a book that did not exist?
Once again, paid subscriptions are 30% off for the rest of the month to support your ambitions of naming the Worst Person In History (among those covered in this newsletter) (so far) (actually just the worst out of these 16 people). Click that button below to get started!
Or just hang tight and root for your favorite. I’ll be back in a couple weeks with a full dirtbag profile and the chance to crown our Grand Champion.
Until then, be well, and if you have a better name for the King George IV-Olga of Kyiv matchup please leave it in the comments because it really stumped me,
-Allison
King James AND his dirtbag dad Darnley both potentially being booted in round one is soothing for the soul
As a newish follower I had so much fun catching up on all the dirtbaggery and reading 90% of these in one sitting. He might be more recent than you usually do but I’d like to humbly suggest Huey P. Long, former governor of Louisiana and absolute queen, who built a massive art deco state capitol with lots of pictures of himself and a swimming pool that’s *just* larger than the standard size, and who died because he was playing petty political games and had refused to fix the roads leading from his doctors in New Orleans to Baton Rouge where he’d been shot